Some thoughts on Challenging Behaviours

One of the key aspects in the Co Creational Relationship Mentoring approach is an understanding that all behaviour makes sense. Many children who present with a behaviour that is seen as troublesome or problematic, for me, is a child who is trying to bring you into their story. I don’t believe they are consciously trying to make life difficult for anyone, they are saying life is difficult for them, only they cannot express this verbally. Many adults may find it difficult to understand this message and so it is only natural they see the behaviour as it is - literally. Inevitably children will create powerful protectors and many adults, as a result of their own story, who are themselves surviving life may see these strategies as problematic. Unfortunately, seeing behaviours literally means the gaze has now gone outward and the main focus off the individual and onto the ‘problem’.

Navigating their way from childhood to adulthood is a massive challenge for any child and for the child who is struggling in a world that is unsafe for them to express themselves authentically will need to find a way to do this.

Parents are advised too often on how to control their children’s behaviours. It is cultural belief that children misbehave on purpose and we adults must find a way to prevent this unruly behaviour. What we must do is bring a level of awareness, a consciousness that brings relational safety.

If the child feels this sense of safety, their natural response to life will be expressed freely, through many aspects of their being – physically, emotionally, behaviourally, creatively. It is when this safe environment becomes a threatening place the child’s true self will be hidden and in its place is the creativity of powerful protectors. A child will always find ways to survive in a world that is threatening to their wellbeing. They will do whatever it takes to be seen, to be heard, to be held unconditionally. Children as young as two and three years of age have come to a time where they are discovering new words, a new language. They are ready to move onto the next level of learning – let me go, I can do it, I know how………. We adults must listen and create opportunities for them to realise their potential and their capabilities. Give them autonomy.

The frequency of temper tantrums as early as two may be due to the rise in the number of ‘no’s’ they begin to encounter and the resulting frustration in being blocked from pursuing their goals.