Some more thoughts on Grief

Since completion of my two years doing the MA I still find myself falling into dark places. You would think that by now I would have ‘gotten over’ the worst part of the grief that follows losing a child. And while I find myself in that place it is difficult to bring awareness to the moment, to pull myself back from wherever it was I went to in that moment of feeling sad. For that is what it is. Feeling sad! As I have heard myself say to many individuals – if you are sad then be sad. If you are angry, can you be angry in that moment, in a safe place of course. Belting into a pillow is one way. Screaming at the top of your voice into the pillow is another. I find myself asking another question – what is happening for you when you are feeling sad or angry? Where does it touch you the most?

Why is it so difficult to ask myself these questions? Well, I wrote a thesis on this. And to answer the question for me I decided to read my thesis for the second time since I submitted it last summer. And for you, I have decided to attach it to my web site for anyone who would be interested in the answer. The answer for me is in there and it may be different for you. How we grieve is very much an individual experience and is dependent on your story, on the context of your story.

For what it is worth, just to say here and to remind myself – we are always grieving. For I do not believe we can always honour our feelings all of the time. And for the times we cannot or do not have the safety around us or within us to express ourselves without feeling the judgement of others or indeed judging ourselves we always find a way to ‘get through’ or ‘get over’ that moment of pain. AND THAT IS OK TOO! That is survival.

The important thing to remember is to try and bring awareness to those feelings and own them. What you do with them will either come from an unconscious place of protection in which case you may project out on another quiet possibly with anger or you may introject that anger inward. Or if you can touch into that pain in the moment, you may have the opportunity to respond to your pain with compassion. This is conscious awareness. The only way we can get to that place is having SAFETY. Both psychological and relational safety.

This is a topic I will write about in my next blog.